Whoppers JR JR

I would never call myself a gamer but I enjoy a good video games every now and then. I’ve owned almost every Nintendo product since the Gamecube launched (sorry, Wii U) and I can hold my own in Smash and even kick a majority of ass in Mario Kart. Video games are fun! They make up some of my most treasured hangout session memories from elementary school until now. But is it possible I enjoy watching video games more than I enjoy playing them? Just turning that question over in my head feels wrong, like I’m riding a bicycle backwards because common sense says that that’s not the way it should be. Games are for playing, now watching! It’s right there in the name: games! Why the hell are you wasting your time watching someone play Mario Kart 8  when you could go grab your own Switch and hop into a lobby in thirty seconds? It’s this cognitive dissonance that gives the words “twitch TV” and “streaming” and “bio breaks” a nasty coating in my mouth, like the world of streaming a Breath o...

Some people enjoy packing up their clubs, carrying around a ziploc full of small white balls and hitting the links for a round of “golf.” What follows is an inevitable tapestry of chafing polos, ankle-high grounder drives and seven putts around one hole on the way to a sextuple bogey. As we all know, this is a categorical experience and definitely not exclusive to me. And so I often wonder, “why golf, when you can………………. frolf?????? ” Frolfing, or disc-golfing for you politically correct dorkuses, is kind of like golf except frisbee instead of ball. Yes, the balls are taken away and thrown in a creek and all you have to work with is a slick, aerodynamic plastic disc the size of a small dinner plate. Sometimes that too is thrown into a creek but we will not discuss The Bad Times in this blog post. (Ed note: We will.) For truly, frolf is the only sport I still play in my old age and I love it even more each time I hit the course. The key to frolfing is hucking those slim discs dista...

In another life, I would be a rock star. I only recently decided this, after decades of impressive shower performances and impromptu air guitar solos in my car, because of the magic of karaoke. It took that as-real-as-you-can-get experience to cement my parallel destiny as one of the finest peacocks up on that stage but I think I always knew this. Ever since I was a younger version of myself, I’ve gravitated towards performing and singing and hitting that spotlight even if I wasn’t hamming it up as much as possible like I just have to do now. Being a rock star is the perfect combination of technical skills and showmanship and when they’re both firing on all cylinders, goddamn it feels good to be in that limelight. me irl As a mildly vain person, I do love to be the center of attention. It didn’t used to be that way, in high school and college I was weirdly anti-social and my life is ever the poorer for it!, but now that I’ve settled firmly into the role of Guy Who Tells Joke at ...

Intro What do you usually eat for breakfast? Cereal? A Chewy bar? Half a grapefruit filled with cottage cheese? What? What???? Tell me, for god’s sake! For me, it’s some sort of toast with PB and jam and two cups of coffee. This is what I have for breakfast whenever I’m able to roll out of bed at a reasonable hour and take my damn time in the mornings. This includes weekday mornings because I get up early, as I am a breakfast fiend and must give this holy meal the time and respect it deserves. Sometimes I have a bagel. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, it’s toast, baby. Thesis Statement Toast is the perfect breakfast food! First of all, it’s so easy to make that I nearly fall asleep making it every now and then. Pop some bread into a toaster, slather your choice of chunky peanut butters and raspberry jams onto it and boom, you’ve got Heaven on a Plate. Beyond that, toast is crunchy, the oft-forgotten sixth sense that many, many people (Haley Joel Osmont excluded) forget about. The crunch has to ...

Gang, it’s no secret that for my whole life, I’ve only wanted one thing: dog. Well, also toaster on a rail track that goes between the kitchen and my bed but mostly, dog. A dog, specifically. Or multiple, I’m not picky. But I’ve never ever had a dog and by god, I’d like to have one! And I know what you’re thinking, “hey dingus, then go get one right now, they’re waiting for you!” NO, I’m not ready. Honestly, I’m still in my Look Out for Number One lifestyle but I amcurrently managing and financing a very serious bird feeder operation. Call it practice. Anyway, I may not be ready to own a dog but I am very ready to name a dog. I have a list of six dog names, unranked, that I’d like to share with you now. Accompanying each name will be a picture of what I imagine this dog would look like. Cobalt i do not endorse petyourdog.biz Everyone, this is Cobalt. He was named so because Cobalt is objectively the coolest color name and not a half bad hue either. Saying the name ‘Cobalt’ lets ...