Report: Even Nation’s Shittiest Bird Feeders Able to Attract a Goldfinch or Two

KENOSHA, IL – According to a recent report by the National Audubon Society, there is now no doubt that even the most half-assed and impulsive bird feeder set-ups have the ability to attract a few yellow-eyed juncos or Baltimore orioles.

“The results are clear,” read the accompanying press release. “Whether you have a meticulously planned backyard birdtopia or a bowl of sunflower seeds lying next to a rancid pool of rainwater in an overturned frisbee, you’re just as likely to see a Lark bunting or a red-legged honeycreeper stop by and poke around.”

At nearby Fairfield’s Bird of a Feather Feed & Seed, shift manager Heather Anderson reluctantly agreed with the report. “Tons of people come in here and they haven’t heard of baffles, finials or even the 9-7-5 rule. They’re setting themselves up to fail,” said Anderson. “But sure, I suppose any dipshit with a patch of grass and a dying elm tree could lure a brown-backed solitaire in for a meal.”

The report stunned Americans like Sandy Bentworth, of Kenosha, who regularly tends to her elaborate set-up of seven connected Eco-Plus seed tubes, four Tempting Tanagers jelly feeders and one Dinner Bell Small Birds hanging feeder. “My life is birding. I’ve spent, like, four hundred dollars on birdhouses alone,” said Neilson, her eyes still glued to her deluxe tri-spec Oakley binoculars. “I saw five mountain bluebirds yesterday alone and they’re telling me you can just get a cheap tray feeder from Target? I don’t think so.”

According to a 2016 survey released by the American Birding Association, nearly 44 percent of Americans who rush out to buy a bird feeder after watching a National Geographic supercut of The World’s Most Colorful Birds on Instagram fail to consider the relative advantages of a vertical tail-prop suet feeder combined with a four-foot baffle to keep away any enterprising raccoons or squirrels. Still, the results show a clear correlation between hanging a seven-year-old dusty finch motel foraged from the shed out back and a visit from a gorgeous Lawrence’s goldfinch with stunning plumage.

Gregory McFarland, 26, of Fairfield, isn’t surprised. “I usually see goldfinches, red cardinals and even cowbirds at that thing,” said McFarland, as he gazed out his kitchen window at the $14 seed and excrement-encrusted feeder he purchased on Amazon two years ago. “Last weekend, I coated the seed with hot pepper sauce to keep the squirrels away. Those squirrels are just a menace.”

At that, a vibrant black-throated blue warbler, rare in these parts, alighted onto McFarland’s sorry excuse for an interaction with nature as McFarland scanned his Twitter timeline on his phone.