KENOSHA, IL – According to a recent report by the National Audubon Society, there is now no doubt that even the most half-assed and impulsive bird feeder set-ups have the ability to attract a few yellow-eyed juncos or Baltimore orioles. “The results are clear,” read the accompanying press release. “Whether you have a meticulously planned backyard birdtopia or a bowl of sunflower seeds lying next to a rancid pool of rainwater in an overturned frisbee, you’re just as likely to see a Lark bunting or a red-legged honeycreeper stop by and poke around.” At nearby Fairfield’s Bird of a Feather Feed & Seed, shift manager Heather Anderson reluctantly agreed with the report. “Tons of people come in here and they haven’t heard of baffles, finials or even the 9-7-5 rule. They’re setting themselves up to fail,” said Anderson. “But sure, I suppose any dipshit with a patch of grass and a dying elm tree could lure a brown-backed solitaire in for a meal.” The report stunned Americans like S