Refrigerator Beer Inventory Count: 14

In my refrigerator right now, my roommate and I have fourteen beers. Usually, we have many less than that, three or four or even zero. Fourteen is the high water mark and ladies and gentlemen, it feels great.

Have you ever had zero beers in your fridge? Perhaps you’re the luckiest among us, someone who does not deign to live without a sixer chilling in the chiller. You own some sort of direct pipeline from your nearest brewery and you are never without suds. I am not one of you and the nights I’ve closed the fridge door at 7pm with a frown on my face and an empty hand formed into the perfect aluminum can holding claw have been far too many. For what is a night without an ale but a sad metaphor for our times…

I dream of an era where every man, woman and of-age child will be able to crack a “Cold One” whenever they please whether it be after work, before dinner, after dinner, before the news, after the news or before bedding down for the night! In these strange and uncertain days, must we languish under the plight of water or milk before our nightly viewing of The Angry Beavers? No! We were put on this earth to do more, live more, DRINK MORE than just a goddamn glass of Kefir before meekly slipping under our bedsheets and submitting to The Time of Sleep yet again…

And so look to me, my friends, as one who is taking control of my destiny! I bought the 21st Amendment Brewery Summer Pack of wheat ales, IPAs and pale ales! I bought the six-pack of Grain Belt Premium tallboys! I have a roommate who bought some Surly Extra-Citra earlier today while I was still sleeping!

And if I can do it, so can you, comrade! Fill up that fridge with beer, live your best life and goddamnit, know your purpose as a human being.

Comments

Ride a Bus This Summer

The best way to get somewhere this summer is the bus. Everyone’s doing it, everyone’s loving it and by golly, why should you be left out of the fun?? Frankly, you shouldn’t! A bus ticket costs like $1.25 and folks, you might say it’s your ticket to… the world. In all seriousness, ride a bus this summer! And I don’t mean some gaudy tour bus, all abstract design seat covers and old ladies squinting through their leashed glasses at Le Chateau de Marseilles-sur-Bratwurst. A proper city bus with its creaky hinges and slack, swinging “Stop Requested!” cords that’ll take you to the zoo for cheap. Honestly, there’s no better way to experience a city and its people than to plop down on a bus and watch the world go by. Just by dint of sitting next to your fellow man and having to look each block in the face as the bus idols for 15 seconds at the light, you’ll understand everything ten times more than if you were sitting in your Ivory Toureg, looking down at your nav screen or fiddling with t...

Glued to the Noob Tube

I would never call myself a gamer but I enjoy a good video games every now and then. I’ve owned almost every Nintendo product since the Gamecube launched (sorry, Wii U) and I can hold my own in Smash and even kick a majority of ass in Mario Kart. Video games are fun! They make up some of my most treasured hangout session memories from elementary school until now. But is it possible I enjoy watching video games more than I enjoy playing them? Just turning that question over in my head feels wrong, like I’m riding a bicycle backwards because common sense says that that’s not the way it should be. Games are for playing, now watching! It’s right there in the name: games! Why the hell are you wasting your time watching someone play Mario Kart 8 when you could go grab your own Switch and hop into a lobby in thirty seconds? It’s this cognitive dissonance that gives the words “twitch TV” and “streaming” and “bio breaks” a nasty coating in my mouth, like the world of streaming a Breath o...

Peacocking on Stage

In another life, I would be a rock star. I only recently decided this, after decades of impressive shower performances and impromptu air guitar solos in my car, because of the magic of karaoke. It took that as-real-as-you-can-get experience to cement my parallel destiny as one of the finest peacocks up on that stage but I think I always knew this. Ever since I was a younger version of myself, I’ve gravitated towards performing and singing and hitting that spotlight even if I wasn’t hamming it up as much as possible like I just have to do now. Being a rock star is the perfect combination of technical skills and showmanship and when they’re both firing on all cylinders, goddamn it feels good to be in that limelight. me irl As a mildly vain person, I do love to be the center of attention. It didn’t used to be that way, in high school and college I was weirdly anti-social and my life is ever the poorer for it!, but now that I’ve settled firmly into the role of Guy Who Tells Joke at ...

Whoppers JR JR

Search This Blog