Names that did not win 2016 Name Of The Year that are all better than the name that won 2016 NOTY

Every year, the fine folks over at NameOfTheYear.com dredge up and compile the finest names in America. These monikers are then dumped into a bracket and thrown to the unwashed Internet, who votes on the winner. Because the Internet cannot be trusted with anything, we all got it wrong this year. Pope McCorkle III won but these six are all better.

1. •
   BRODARIOUS HAMM

   For my money, the best name in the whole dang thing. Off the bat, 'Brodarious' is an incredible given name. It's a create-your-own definition adjective where everything you project it to mean is cool, slick and not unlike Shaft, who I've heard is very cool. The surname speaks for itself. This is a tough-talking hunk of honey-baked and likely the name of my first son.
2. •
   MIGHTY FINE

   The name of a summer camp counselor for life. Easy to say, fun to yell triumphantly. Kind of makes you feel like Ace Ventura and/or The Mask you say it while grinning really hard.
3. •
   BILLIE-JO SKELETON

   This is the name of a character in a children's book that takes place in "Halloweenland." That alone should've rocketed it to the top. And then you're given BILLIE-JO. Make all the Green Day jokes you want but give me two first names, hyphened and arguably misspelled and you have my heart.
4. •
   DOCTOR SHARK BIRD

   No wait, THIS is the best name in the tourney. I don't even know where to start with this but it sounds like the bad guy from an Austin Powers rip-off movie and I cannot believe it's actually printed on a birth certificate somewhere. This person no doubt goes by their full name and title at all times and feels GREAT because of it.
5. •
   SAINT SCHWING

   The spiritual love child of Wayne's World and @pontifex himself. Did you know: saying this name five times in a row while thrusting your hips forward on each 'Schwing' counts as a mind-centering exercise in the version of yoga that I just made up. Classes start at $69. Also, Saint here lost to Pope McCorkle III which is fun and all but so not as incredible as Saint. SCHWING.
6. •
   FURIOUS CARNEY

   Any name that's also a potential occupation gets me going. Add an adjective as hilarious as this in front of it and you have at LEAST an Elite Eight name. Furious here lost to Onno Hoes which is just not clear enough to be objectively better. It's like a bad joke, that name. Don't @ me.